Sarah Belle's 95 Theses Against Winter

OK, so maybe I don't have a list of 95 reasons why Winter is the worst.  But, I did think of 30 in about three minutes.

As I get older (and grumpier) I hate Winter more.  I've lived with winter for 37 years, and it's time to move out.  We are not great roommates. 

Here follows a list of grievances I have against Winter.  (I reserve the right to add items as I see fit.)

A Season Of Paradoxes

1. Sweezing: The magical feeling of being both sweaty and freezing at the same time.  You won't be able to understand this if you haven't shoveled snow.  And if you haven't: congrats.  I hate you.

2. Slick Sand Nose: A nose that is either running like a faucet, needing constant tissue attention, OR is dry as the Sahara.  The kind of dry wherein your boogers crackle, one side of your nose gets pasted to the other from the inside, and where it bleeds most days.

Physical Problems

3. Hunch Neck: A neck that is in constant pain from hunching against the cold at all times.  This can even occur in sleep, if your bedroom is too cold.

4. Layer Mummy: In order to maintain a reasonable body core temperature, you must wear so many layers, movement becomes restricted. (see also: Randy - "I can't put my arms down!")

5. Layer Mummy Tantrum: When you tear off all your layers in a blind rage and sit naked and shivering because you just cannot.  Hopefully this happens when you are at home.

6. Layer Mummy Inability: The inability to get dressed because you cannot face the amount of layers you'll have to put on in order to keep warm.

7. Freezing. 32 degrees Fahrenheit   Anything below this is when the air hurts.  It physically hurts your skin, your lungs, and your eyes. Any exposed body part hurts when the air touches it.  This should alert you that the area you are in is not fit for human life.

8. Claustrophobic Feet. Remember wearing sandals with no socks?  Or flip flops?  Or little ballet flats?  No?  Me either.  You'll be wearing two pairs of socks and snow boots (not fashion boots - I'm talking E.M.S. boots rated for sub zero weather, here) for six months.  Feet are not meant to be seen.

9. Wet. Some part of your outfit is always wet. Cleaning the snow off of your car gets you wet.  Slogging through a snowy parking lot gets you wet. Washing your hands gets your sleeves wet because you are dressed as a Layer Mummy and can't push them back properly.  And when you are wet, and it's sub zero, it's really really nice.  That feels great. I love it.

10. Can't Breathe. Sometimes the air is so cold that it becomes hard to breathe. Also, when there is an evil wind whipping and it's just the right amount of degrees below zero, the breath gets stolen from you.  It's hard to describe, but it's like the wind is whisking the air away from you before you can get any. You stand there, on the street, or in a parking lot, gasping for air and squinting against the cold. It's a gd delight.

11. Shocking. Static electricity has a damn heyday in winter.  Every time you get out of the car, every piece of metal you touch, you get shocked.  And we aren't talking a cute little zap.  We are talking, light up a city block.

12. Chapstick Addict.  If you leave your chapstick at home, that's it.  Forget it. You might as well just die.  Because, your lips will be a dry, flaky, bloody, crackled mess by the time you get home.  Nobody is going to want to get near them.

13. Fat. Ever heard someone say that they are "carrying winter weight"?  Yeah. That's real. Because you never want to move.  It's too damn cold.  And too damn dark. And your body fights you the whole way.

It's Gross

14. Snow Isn't Pure. Do not ever say "pure as the newly fallen snow" or anything of that nature.  Snow is grossly dirty, and only gets more so the longer it stays. It's a vehicle for dirt. And it will make your vehicle dirty. Stock up on windshield washer fluid, cuz ya gonna need it.

15. Salt Scum: Roads, driveways, and walkways, they all get salted to keep ice buildup at bay and people from dying in various horrible, slippery ways.  Salt forms a film on boots, shovels, cars, doors, buildings, etc.  While you are dressed as a Layer Mummy it is hard to tell where you are in relation to these things and you will brush up against them and transfer that salt scum to your clothes.  Every damn day.

Sad Ass

16. No Jewelry. When you are dressed as a Layer Mummy you cannot wear bracelets or necklaces.  They get hidden and tangled in the multiple layers.  Plus, you do not want metal against your skin. Shit will freeze.

17. No Sunshine. Vitamin D deficiency is no joke around here.  People are popping vitamins like street drugs. You can also lay in a light coffin for short periods of time if you need to remember what sun and warmth feel like.

18. Wardrobe. At least half of your wardrobe is useless in the winter. You'll be wearing your thickest wool sweaters, socks, and underwear over and over and over again.  Eventually, you'll give up caring what you look like altogether.  You'll just roll out of bed, put on your one warm outfit, and slog out the door.

19. No Outside. If you are crazy enough to love outdoor activities in the winter, good for you.  You are certifiably nuts.  When being outdoors comes with it's own set of protective gear, the likes of which are used on the moon by astronauts, I'm out.  You can't go to the park, can't walk on a greenway, can't take a stroll around the block, can't go for a run, can't visit an open air market.  The entirety of the outdoors is basically off limits.

20. No Gumption.  It's so dark outside all the time, and so cold pretty much everywhere, that your body just wants to stay in bed.  It thinks it's night time, all the time. It doesn't want to go to the gym.  It doesn't want to do yoga.  It wants to sit under many blankets and sleep or maybe watch a movie and fall asleep halfway through.

21. 50 Shades of Ugly. Everything is varying degrees of gray.  "What about evergreens?", you might wonder in childlike innocence. They get covered with snow, too.  It's like being in a sepia old timey photo.  For six months.

22. Too Real.  When your town has the delightful nickname: Hothchester.

23. Ice Cream.  Ice cream is one of my all time most favorite things in the world.  Ice cream makes for instant happy.  We have an ice cream place within walking distance of our house.  Soft serve (custard) is my favorite.  But winter is too damn cold to enjoy ice cream.  I'll never forgive it for that.

24. Porch Life. This year my little family had really settled in to the porch life.  We ate meals out there, and did a lot of sitting and looking.  We have an enclosed porch surrounded by windows, so it was easy to get a nice breeze and some sunshine while still retaining a bit of privacy.  My pup loved porch life the best.  He had his own entrance via a set of doggy stairs and a window.  He loves being on neighborhood watch patrol, and the porch brought him one step closer to being within reach of villains. When it was time to leave the porch in October, he didn't want to.  He'd sit out there shivering and refuse to come back inside.  I'd have to put a sweater and a wool blanket on him so he wouldn't freeze to death.  We miss porch.

Hassle

25. Diaper Bag. Dealing with winter comes with a lot of accoutrements. It's basically like lugging around a baby diaper bag all the time, every day.  Gloves, hats, coats, sweaters, a change of freaking shoes.  It's like being prepared to go to the gym all the time.  The amount of stuff you have to have with you in order to just survive is ridiculous and exhausting.

26. You Have To Put It Places. Snow has to be moved. No matter where it is, it's in the freaking way.  It's on your car.  It's blocking the doorway.  Can't get in the garage.  The dog can't go to the bathroom in the back yard.  The sidewalk may as well not exist. Roads?  What roads?

27. Can't Just Leave. Just run out the door and hop in the car and go, right?  Wrong.  The car has to be turned on, the ice has to be scraped or melted, the snow must be brushed.  You have to get yourself ready and then you have to get your car ready.  You car has a longer morning routine than you do.

28. Travel Time Doubles. People will drive like idiots.  There will be accidents.  And even if there aren't accidents, you just can't go that fast in the snow.  You crawl along, with all the other fools, on days when you should be at home in bed, to arrive at work an hour or more late.  Taking your life into your hands basically every day.  What a thrill.

29. Humidifier. In order to combat Slick Sand Nose you must run a humidifier.  And you have to fill it every damn night.

30. Snow Tires.  Know what doesn't work well in the winter?  Tires.  Regular tires.  If you want to survive driving in the snow, you have to get snow tires.  They cost more, and it also costs money to have them put on and taken off. And you also have to store them over the summer, and lug them into your car when it's time to get them put back on. Joy, joy, joy. 

I feel a bit better now.

Is it a wonder I'm obsessed with having a tiki bedroom?  Check out all these great flamingo items I scored at one sale two weeks ago!  The bag is big enough to use as carry on luggage.  Just concentrate on these cheerful pink beauties until the sun comes back.  I know I will!

'Tis The Season

'Tis the season to not have enough hours in the day, not enough days in the week. 'Tis the season to be busy as shit and cranky as crap.  'Tis the season to start a drinking habit. 

And, 'Tis the season to grab any little minute for yourself - including hitting an Estate Sale or two!

'Tis the season to buy everything vintage for yourself, and nothing for everyone else and feel really good about it!

This is how @magicsummervintage and I do Black Friday shopping!  Standing in line, out in our nemesis (the cold), waiting to paw through someone else's old stuff.

Paw, we did!  And rewarded, we were!  (Honestly not trying to sound like Yoda on purpose...)  I went to the basement first, which is where the vintage holiday was being stashed.  There were only a few other people down there, and I had my pick of so much great stuff!  The best part was that most of it was a quarter per item!

I just adore these little mice ornaments.  I have rescued a whole family of them now, one skinny, stripe-y kid at a time.  I'm so stoked about the white plastic tree. They were made in a host of different colors, but I've never crossed paths with one...until now.  I don't collect Gurley candles, but I do want a select few of them.  Very specific designs.  The candle was on the list.  Red and green, delicious Christmas combo!  The tiny deer is flocked with glitter antlers.  I mean, come on.  I almost never see the small brittle cardboard glitter houses.  I have three of them now.  The pack of vintage Hallmark party matchbooks has never been opened.  I hate/love when I find something that has never been opened. All the agonizing over whether to open or not! 

This ceramic Santa dude used to be a bell, but is now missing the clanger. I love that he is carrying a present on a weird string, for some reason.  I've only ever found ONE of the plastic lantern ornaments to date.  I love all things lantern!  I plan to put them on a tropical themed tree that I'll have in the future.  Hold on to your seats, people!  VINTAGE HONEYCOMB!  And it had never been opened!!

Well, I guess you can see that I didn't agonize over this one for too long.  I got to pop out all the pieces and put this Christmas sweetness together for the first time in it's life!  It was such a treat!  My goodness.  The love of honeycomb hit hard and fast this year.

There was a little table of Easter decor in the basement, too! I chose these vintage flocked floral picks.  So cute and tres pastel!

From the basement I ventured to the first floor, where the dining room was covered in jewelry.  An entire room full of jewelry!  It was nuts!  Not much of it was vintage, but most of the items seemed to have never been worn, many still sported their original price tags. This was the one pair I found.  Vintage lucite with white and silver confetti.  Clip ons.  I also actually found a pair of earrings made from shell, carved into the shape of a shell, but I lost one between the sale and my house.  I don't really want to talk about it.

The third floor held treasure, too!  Treasure, let me add, that @magicsummervintage did not pick up for me, but knew I'd want.  She just let the treasure sit there for whomever to snatch up, even though I was toting around an entire armload of dresses in the basement, just so she could have first pick.  Just so we're clear.

Vintage Halloween masks!  I find like one of these a year, so it seemed like striking gold to find two at the same sale.  For way cheap.  Way. I said that I thought the one on the right looked similar to Inspector Gadget.  The husband said no.  He looks like "someone playing cards."  So there you have it.  The "Spooky Kooky Jewelry - Dracula" set is Ben Cooper, and will be displayed in the package, of course!  I wonder if there were other sets?

I also went to a few other sales and picked up some goodies.  I like vintage hankies, but only when they aren't poinsettia themed.  They always seem to be poinsettia themed.  I was so happy to find this pine and holly specimen! The glitter bird is paper mache, and the mushroom ornament is blown glass.  I do love a toadstool!

A lovely jadeite and white linen tablecloth, a Hallmark Merry Miniatures Santa, two Santa mugs with lenticular eyes (!), another and different candy striped Santa pencil - this one with dangling balls...erm....bells, an embroidered vintage hankie with the likeness of a Christmas tree, rhinestone clip-on earrings that go up your earlobe, a chunky faux pearl wrap bracelet, and my favorite: lucite earrings with (red glitter and gold star) confetti.  Lots of happy!

In my travels I found something from my All Time Want list!  This crazy flickering faux candle. He's a Halloween decoration from Hallmark, though he isn't marked as such on the bottom and the base looks a bit different than the others I've seen online.  It still lights up! Don't miss his spooky flame face!  The egg cup was a great deal and will, of course, be displayed in the spring.  And check out the teensy bunny and flamingo!  I love small things!

If you need a dose of vintage yourself, check out my Etsy shop!

Until next time, happy hunting!