OK, so maybe I don't have a list of 95 reasons why Winter is the worst. But, I did think of 30 in about three minutes.
As I get older (and grumpier) I hate Winter more. I've lived with winter for 37 years, and it's time to move out. We are not great roommates.
Here follows a list of grievances I have against Winter. (I reserve the right to add items as I see fit.)
A Season Of Paradoxes
1. Sweezing: The magical feeling of being both sweaty and freezing at the same time. You won't be able to understand this if you haven't shoveled snow. And if you haven't: congrats. I hate you.
2. Slick Sand Nose: A nose that is either running like a faucet, needing constant tissue attention, OR is dry as the Sahara. The kind of dry wherein your boogers crackle, one side of your nose gets pasted to the other from the inside, and where it bleeds most days.
Physical Problems
3. Hunch Neck: A neck that is in constant pain from hunching against the cold at all times. This can even occur in sleep, if your bedroom is too cold.
4. Layer Mummy: In order to maintain a reasonable body core temperature, you must wear so many layers, movement becomes restricted. (see also: Randy - "I can't put my arms down!")
5. Layer Mummy Tantrum: When you tear off all your layers in a blind rage and sit naked and shivering because you just cannot. Hopefully this happens when you are at home.
6. Layer Mummy Inability: The inability to get dressed because you cannot face the amount of layers you'll have to put on in order to keep warm.
7. Freezing. 32 degrees Fahrenheit Anything below this is when the air hurts. It physically hurts your skin, your lungs, and your eyes. Any exposed body part hurts when the air touches it. This should alert you that the area you are in is not fit for human life.
8. Claustrophobic Feet. Remember wearing sandals with no socks? Or flip flops? Or little ballet flats? No? Me either. You'll be wearing two pairs of socks and snow boots (not fashion boots - I'm talking E.M.S. boots rated for sub zero weather, here) for six months. Feet are not meant to be seen.
9. Wet. Some part of your outfit is always wet. Cleaning the snow off of your car gets you wet. Slogging through a snowy parking lot gets you wet. Washing your hands gets your sleeves wet because you are dressed as a Layer Mummy and can't push them back properly. And when you are wet, and it's sub zero, it's really really nice. That feels great. I love it.
10. Can't Breathe. Sometimes the air is so cold that it becomes hard to breathe. Also, when there is an evil wind whipping and it's just the right amount of degrees below zero, the breath gets stolen from you. It's hard to describe, but it's like the wind is whisking the air away from you before you can get any. You stand there, on the street, or in a parking lot, gasping for air and squinting against the cold. It's a gd delight.
11. Shocking. Static electricity has a damn heyday in winter. Every time you get out of the car, every piece of metal you touch, you get shocked. And we aren't talking a cute little zap. We are talking, light up a city block.
12. Chapstick Addict. If you leave your chapstick at home, that's it. Forget it. You might as well just die. Because, your lips will be a dry, flaky, bloody, crackled mess by the time you get home. Nobody is going to want to get near them.
13. Fat. Ever heard someone say that they are "carrying winter weight"? Yeah. That's real. Because you never want to move. It's too damn cold. And too damn dark. And your body fights you the whole way.
It's Gross
14. Snow Isn't Pure. Do not ever say "pure as the newly fallen snow" or anything of that nature. Snow is grossly dirty, and only gets more so the longer it stays. It's a vehicle for dirt. And it will make your vehicle dirty. Stock up on windshield washer fluid, cuz ya gonna need it.
15. Salt Scum: Roads, driveways, and walkways, they all get salted to keep ice buildup at bay and people from dying in various horrible, slippery ways. Salt forms a film on boots, shovels, cars, doors, buildings, etc. While you are dressed as a Layer Mummy it is hard to tell where you are in relation to these things and you will brush up against them and transfer that salt scum to your clothes. Every damn day.
Sad Ass
16. No Jewelry. When you are dressed as a Layer Mummy you cannot wear bracelets or necklaces. They get hidden and tangled in the multiple layers. Plus, you do not want metal against your skin. Shit will freeze.
17. No Sunshine. Vitamin D deficiency is no joke around here. People are popping vitamins like street drugs. You can also lay in a light coffin for short periods of time if you need to remember what sun and warmth feel like.
18. Wardrobe. At least half of your wardrobe is useless in the winter. You'll be wearing your thickest wool sweaters, socks, and underwear over and over and over again. Eventually, you'll give up caring what you look like altogether. You'll just roll out of bed, put on your one warm outfit, and slog out the door.
19. No Outside. If you are crazy enough to love outdoor activities in the winter, good for you. You are certifiably nuts. When being outdoors comes with it's own set of protective gear, the likes of which are used on the moon by astronauts, I'm out. You can't go to the park, can't walk on a greenway, can't take a stroll around the block, can't go for a run, can't visit an open air market. The entirety of the outdoors is basically off limits.
20. No Gumption. It's so dark outside all the time, and so cold pretty much everywhere, that your body just wants to stay in bed. It thinks it's night time, all the time. It doesn't want to go to the gym. It doesn't want to do yoga. It wants to sit under many blankets and sleep or maybe watch a movie and fall asleep halfway through.
21. 50 Shades of Ugly. Everything is varying degrees of gray. "What about evergreens?", you might wonder in childlike innocence. They get covered with snow, too. It's like being in a sepia old timey photo. For six months.
22. Too Real. When your town has the delightful nickname: Hothchester.
23. Ice Cream. Ice cream is one of my all time most favorite things in the world. Ice cream makes for instant happy. We have an ice cream place within walking distance of our house. Soft serve (custard) is my favorite. But winter is too damn cold to enjoy ice cream. I'll never forgive it for that.
24. Porch Life. This year my little family had really settled in to the porch life. We ate meals out there, and did a lot of sitting and looking. We have an enclosed porch surrounded by windows, so it was easy to get a nice breeze and some sunshine while still retaining a bit of privacy. My pup loved porch life the best. He had his own entrance via a set of doggy stairs and a window. He loves being on neighborhood watch patrol, and the porch brought him one step closer to being within reach of villains. When it was time to leave the porch in October, he didn't want to. He'd sit out there shivering and refuse to come back inside. I'd have to put a sweater and a wool blanket on him so he wouldn't freeze to death. We miss porch.
21. 50 Shades of Ugly. Everything is varying degrees of gray. "What about evergreens?", you might wonder in childlike innocence. They get covered with snow, too. It's like being in a sepia old timey photo. For six months.
22. Too Real. When your town has the delightful nickname: Hothchester.
23. Ice Cream. Ice cream is one of my all time most favorite things in the world. Ice cream makes for instant happy. We have an ice cream place within walking distance of our house. Soft serve (custard) is my favorite. But winter is too damn cold to enjoy ice cream. I'll never forgive it for that.
24. Porch Life. This year my little family had really settled in to the porch life. We ate meals out there, and did a lot of sitting and looking. We have an enclosed porch surrounded by windows, so it was easy to get a nice breeze and some sunshine while still retaining a bit of privacy. My pup loved porch life the best. He had his own entrance via a set of doggy stairs and a window. He loves being on neighborhood watch patrol, and the porch brought him one step closer to being within reach of villains. When it was time to leave the porch in October, he didn't want to. He'd sit out there shivering and refuse to come back inside. I'd have to put a sweater and a wool blanket on him so he wouldn't freeze to death. We miss porch.
Hassle
25. Diaper Bag. Dealing with winter comes with a lot of accoutrements. It's basically like lugging around a baby diaper bag all the time, every day. Gloves, hats, coats, sweaters, a change of freaking shoes. It's like being prepared to go to the gym all the time. The amount of stuff you have to have with you in order to just survive is ridiculous and exhausting.
26. You Have To Put It Places. Snow has to be moved. No matter where it is, it's in the freaking way. It's on your car. It's blocking the doorway. Can't get in the garage. The dog can't go to the bathroom in the back yard. The sidewalk may as well not exist. Roads? What roads?
27. Can't Just Leave. Just run out the door and hop in the car and go, right? Wrong. The car has to be turned on, the ice has to be scraped or melted, the snow must be brushed. You have to get yourself ready and then you have to get your car ready. You car has a longer morning routine than you do.
28. Travel Time Doubles. People will drive like idiots. There will be accidents. And even if there aren't accidents, you just can't go that fast in the snow. You crawl along, with all the other fools, on days when you should be at home in bed, to arrive at work an hour or more late. Taking your life into your hands basically every day. What a thrill.
29. Humidifier. In order to combat Slick Sand Nose you must run a humidifier. And you have to fill it every damn night.
30. Snow Tires. Know what doesn't work well in the winter? Tires. Regular tires. If you want to survive driving in the snow, you have to get snow tires. They cost more, and it also costs money to have them put on and taken off. And you also have to store them over the summer, and lug them into your car when it's time to get them put back on. Joy, joy, joy.
I feel a bit better now.
Is it a wonder I'm obsessed with having a tiki bedroom? Check out all these great flamingo items I scored at one sale two weeks ago! The bag is big enough to use as carry on luggage. Just concentrate on these cheerful pink beauties until the sun comes back. I know I will!
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